Lessons from a Monkey
by Disk 9
Summary: What if Reborn wasn't Tsuna's tutor? What if the Ninth decided that it would be beneficial if his son trained the future Tenth? Random snippets in time. The Varia arc does not exist. No pairings. Crack. T for language and slight mention of gore. Previously known as What If.


What if Reborn wasn't the one to tutor Tsuna? What if the Ninth decided that it would help his 'son' if he felt like he was training the Tenth, even if he couldn't be the Tenth? Random snippets in time. The Varia arc does not exist. No pairings. Crack.

* * *

><p>"Tsu-kun, you're getting a home tutor!" Sawada Nana smiled pleasantly at her upside-down son, Tsunayoshi.<p>

"EHHHHH?!"

"Isn't it great? I saw an ad in the mailbox. It says here: 'Trash. I'm here to train your son. Hire me. Or I'll blow your fucking brains up.' Doesn't that sound promising?" Beaming, Nana helped her (momentarily) speechless son up while waving a flyer with gory pictures in front of his face.

"Mama! I don't need a tutor! My grades aren't that bad! And what's with that ad? It sounds like a psychopath!" Pleading brown eyes stared up at his mother, begging her to reconsider.

"Really, Tsu-kun? Then that test I see poking out of your bed isn't yours? The one with the 15% on it?" There was no sign of malice in Nana's face as she stared at her teary-eyed son, pointing to a piece of paper sticking out of the bed. It did indeed have a circled red fifteen on it, and a big fat F scribbled over most of the paper.

However, Tsuna didn't get a chance to respond to his mother's innocently phrased question, as in that moment there was a loud scream.

"VOOOIIII! SO THIS IS WHERE THE DAMN BRAT LIVES! WHY DO WE NEED TO TEACH HIM, STUPID BOSS?!"

Startled, Tsuna looked out onto the street. There was no one there.

_*Crash* _Following that was the sound of breaking glass.

Nana seemed to have become temporarily deaf, and wasn't worried at all. Instead, she was cheerfully humming a tune while she waited for Tsuna to answer her question.

"Um... well..." Tsuna stammered out a reply while looking around nervously.

_*Drip... drip... drip...*_

A steady dripping noise echoed throughout the room. Blinking in surprise, Tsuna followed path of a growing red puddle to… an old lady? But, strangely enough, she didn't have wrinkles.

Then, said 'lady' opened 'her' mouth, and out popped a decidedly masculine (and familiar) voice. "VOOOIIII! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR, BOSS?!"

"Shut up, trash."

This voice was different from the previous one. Much quieter for one. But... it also seemed much more deadly. And it was close. Meeping, Tsuna turned to see who the girly man was addressing.

He blinked. And blinked. And blinked again (all in shock, mind you). His eyebrow twitched. There was a monkey in his room. Granted, it was sitting on a throne and wearing clothes, but it was a monkey. And it was also drinking booze, while glaring at him with red eyes. Red eyes!

"Mama… there is a monkey in my room. And it's drinking tequila. If this is your idea of an early birthday present, can we send it back to the zoo?" Tsuna hoped desperately it was a trick. Red eyes were_ scary_. The monkey twitched.

_'Am I just imagining things, or did that glare intensify?'_ Meeping again, Tsuna tried to make himself seem as small as possible.

"I'm not a monkey, trash. My name is Xanxus, and supposed to be your fucking home tutor."

"... EEHHHHH?!"

* * *

><p>"HIIIEEEEEEE!" Tsuna was screaming desperately as he avoided projectiles, trying to reach the goal, or the 'safe' zone. He had already improved drastically from how he was a few weeks ago, due to an extremely strong motivational factor: pain. After getting hit in... unmentionable places at least fifty times in not even two weeks, he wised up and learned to dodge. However, Xanxus wasn't exactly motivational.<p>

"What the fuck are you doing, trash? Did I really train you to be that useless? I can't believe you're going to be the tenth boss. The old man must be crazy, stupid trash."

A shattering sound was heard off in the distance, most likely a knife hitting a window pane. Tsuna suddenly froze, glaring at the ground in front of him. He opened his mouth... and then everything went to pieces.

"It's not like you've trained me at all, stupid monkey! The only thing you do is sit and drink sherry while telling your subordinates to deal with me. And chasing after me with knives, swords, tentacles and parasols is not considered training! Besides, I didn't even want to be the stupid boss! If you want it so bad, then you can have it!"

It fell silent. Deathly silent. This was the first time Tsuna had exploded. The first time he had raised his voice against Xanxus.

"Trash... I'm not a monkey. I'm going to give you until ten to apologize."

To the side, Mammon snickered.

"HIIEEEEEEE! Xanxus-sensei! Please! It wasn't meant to come out li-"

"Ten." And the world exploded.

* * *

><p>"Ushishishishishi~! Monkey."<p>

"..."

"Monkey."

"..."

"Ushishishishishi~! Monkey."

"Trash."

"Monk-"

"Out. Now."

"Ushishishishishi~! Bye Mon-"

_*Crash*_

"HIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! Xanxus-sensei, not the cupboard!"

(As it turns out, Mammon had placed an illusion on Xanxus. He wasn't very pleased with Xanxus for taking on a job for free)

* * *

><p>"Oya oya, Vongola. You're not scared of me at all." Mukuro's light and teasing voice carried a dangerous undertone. It was almost as if he was upset.<p>

"W-well, I am scared of you. I'm just more scared of him." Here, Tsuna jerked his head in his tutor's direction, where Xanxus sat drinking tequila (again) on his throne. _'Where the heck does he get that thing, anyways?'_ Tsuna thought, staring bemusedly at the completely out-of-place furniture item in the room.

"Kufufufufu~. Well then, we'll just have to fix that, don't we?" Holding up his trident, Mukuro prepared to charge Tsuna when... a wine glass hit him in the head.

"I don't like your laugh, trash."

"Kufufuf-"

This time, it was the bottle that cut him off. It also knocked him out, sent glass shards flying, and almost pierced Ken in the eye.

"I said, _I don't like your laugh, trash._"

And just like that, the battle with Rokudo Mukuro was over.

* * *

><p>When Tsuna first met Dino, it was, for lack of better word, chaotic. The Ninth was having a dinner party with all the allied families. Word had spread that the Tenth Boss of the Vongola would be introduced there, and the place was packed with people.<p>

"Introducing the top candidate for the position of the Tenth Vongola Boss, Tsunayoshi Sawada!"

"..." Murmurs broke out among the guests when no one appeared.

"Um... Tsunayoshi Sawada!"

"..." The whispers grew louder.

"Tsunayoshi Sawada?"

"ACK! I'm here!" Tsuna came flying out, hair disheveled, clothes rumpled, and, for all appearances, looking like he just rolled out of bed.

"And I'm gone again!" Not even giving the stunned guests a chance to reply, he bolted for the door. However, before he could reach it, he was knocked to the ground by... nothing? Closer inspection showed that he had tripped over a turtle.

"Enzo! There you are! I've been looking for you!" A blond man stumbled into the room, followed by a baby wearing a suit and a fedora. The blond was the new boss of the Cavallone family, and the baby was his tutor, Reborn. Reborn, despite being known as the strongest hit-man, barely reached knee-hight. Was this really the fearsome monster of the mafia world?

Before that train of thought could continue, a hole was blasted into the wall next to the door Tsuna had entered from. In the smoke, you could make out 6 figures, one of them significantly smaller than the others, and floating to boot.

"VOOOOIIIIIIIII! Damn brat! Get back here!"

"Mou, Tsu-chan! Stay still and let Auntie Lussu take care of you! I got a beautiful dress just for you!"

"Ushishishishishi~! The prince wants to play with the peasant. Stay still, idiot peasant."

As the voices rang out in the ballroom, there was a stunned silence. And then the screams broke out.

**_~.~.~.~.~.~ A Hop, a Time Skip, and a Jump Later... ~.~.~.~.~.~_**

When everyone finally calmed down, the mingling and music started again. A small figure could be seen making it's way towards Tsuna.

"Ciaossu." The baby hitman smirked as he peered up at the Tenth Vongola Boss.

"Eh? Oh, you must be Reborn-san. Nice to meet you, I'm Tsu-"

"I know who you are." Reborn abruptly cut Tsuna off, still smirking. "What I want to know, is how you went from being Dame-Tsuna to the person I see before me right now."

"Hm? Oh, well that's bec-" Tsuna was cut off again, but by a different person this time.

"Shut up trash, and get me some wine. Now."

While Tsuna was gone, the tutors stared at each other. Suddenly, they both pulled out their guns, aiming straight at the other's head.

"...Hn, not bad," Reborn smirked as Leon scrambled back onto his fedora.

"Trash," was Xanxus' curt reply as he stowed away his guns.

Some sort of mutual understanding must have passed between the two, because when Tsuna appears again, Reborn tells him, "You're my student for a week."

Dino was left in the delicate care of the Varia.

(When the week ended, witnesses state that Dino was crying tears of happiness to be back with Reborn, and Tsuna was crying tears of despair.)

* * *

><p><em>'Stupid (nameless) underling. He didn't get me the right brand of wine. Fucking idiots, the lot of them,'<em> Xanxus thought irritably as he stomped after Tsuna to get him to go to the market.

Suddenly, a flying purple bazooka was in the air, headed straight for Xanxus. Tching, he pulled at where his guns were, cocked, ai- Huh? His guns disappeared. That was his last thought before pink smoke engulfed him.

Gaping, Tsuna's vision was engulfed in... a pink bathrobe? What in the world was ten-years later Xanxus doing?

* * *

><p>Gulping, Tsuna stared at Byakuran. They are trapped inside a translucent orange dome, Yuni all the way by the edge. Tsuna had multiple scratches, but nothing too serious. Byakuran didn't look phased at all.<p>

"Ehe...hehe...hehe?" Tsuna gulped again.

"You know, Tsunayoshi-kun," Byakuran started in a conversational tone. "I had the most thrilling experience in an alternate universe, where you were trained by Reborn."

A cracking noise echoed into the distance, most likely Tsuna's guardians trying to break into the barrier. Tsuna broke out in tears.

"This is so unfair!" He wailed to the sky. "How come he gets to be trained by him, and I have to be trained by the sadistic Monkey!"

"...Huh?" Byakuran looked confused.

Suddenly, Tsuna's eyes sharpened. "You! It must be because of you! I will defeat you. Then I can go back and change my tutor! Yes... That is what I must do!"

With a dramatic pose, Tsuna took out... a wine bottle?

Byakuran started laughing. Tears streamed out of his eyes, and he clutched his stomach in pain.

"W-what in the world, do you hope to accomplish with THAT?" He pointed a shaking finger at the bottle.

In answer, Tsuna smirked, pulled his hand back, and threw. The bottle soared into the sky, falling in a graceful arc onto Byakuran's head.

_*Clunk*_

"HAH! Take that! It's over! And I never thought I would say this, but God bless Xanxus, his drinking skills, and his untidiness."

And just like that, the battle with the Millefiore was over.

(As it turns out, the bottle was the same brand that Xanxus threw at Mukuro. And while witnesses claim that Mukuro whimpered when it was taken out, he furiosly denies it.)

* * *

><p>When Tsuna got back the past, he went straight to the Ninth and demanded that Reborn be assigned to him instead. The Ninth replied with:<p>

"But you're such a good influence on Xanxus! And he's taught you so much too! Look at you, all grown up and battling other Mafia Families. No, I think you'll stay with Xanxus for a while yet."

Tsuna's scream of despair echoed throughout the compound.

**_~.~.~.~.~.~ END ~.~.~.~.~.~_**

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. This is my first time writing a fanfic, and I wasn't quite sure how it would turn out. If you think Tsuna's acting a little OOC, well, Xanxus trained him. Therefore, no Dying Will Bullets. He needed to toughen up his normal personality too, not rely his HDW mode this time around. Questions, comments, or concerns? Then review!**

**A/N (11/20/13): I came back to look at this… and this is really bad. :/ Like, really, really bad. OH WELL. Fixed what I could, left what I couldn't. Take it or leave it.**


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